Tasuki's Harem Trouble
by Nightstalker1
Summary: The members of Hotohori's imperial harem have turned their attention to a certain unfortunate bandit...Fourth part up! The harem's greatest secret is revealed. Be very afraid...
1. Ode to A Stalker

Disclaimer: Behold my genius! Actually, no. I don't own Fushigi Yugi or any of it's characters. They all belong to the great Yuu Watase, Flower Comics, and all those other lucky people. I do own Tanika, though, cause she came out of my twisted little mind  
  
Author's Notes: This is the first part of a four chapter story taking place throughout the series. Part one takes place during the events of episode 18 when Tasuki, Mitsukake, and Chiriko (Amiboshi) first arrive at the palace. Oh yeah, that's another thing. At this point, Chiriko is Amiboshi. This first chapter is rated R for a lot of implied sex and Tasuki's eloquent use of the f-bomb.  
  
One more note. This chapter contains some shonen-ai between Nuriko and Tasuki. However, that's just to add to the comedy of the fic. They will not become a couple in any way, shape, or form. Yes, I am one of the few people left that still believes Tasuki is straight. Speaking of comedy, to get the full effect out of this fic, just imagine Tasuki being SD about 99% of the time.  
  
Thinking is in * *  
  
1 Tasuki's Harem Trouble Part 1: Ode to A Stalker  
  
  
  
Lady Tanika watched the scene on the other side of the courtyard with an amused smile. Emperor Hotohori had just returned from wherever he had gone with Nuriko and Suzaku no Miko. The monk, Chichiri had just run out of the palace to greet them. Tanika smirked. The blue haired seishi had fooled everyone in the palace by impersonating Hotohori so that the real emperor could go gallivanting off with his precious miko. That is, he fooled everyone but Tanika. When it came to Hotohori, Tanika knew just about everything.  
  
The young harem woman leaned against the railing of the walkway and brushed a strand of deep black hair away from her face.  
  
"Heika-sama is just so handsome," she sighed out loud. "The only thing that could make him absolutely perfect would be if he had red hair."  
  
Tanika giggled at her own comment. Ever since she reached adolescence, she had always been obsessed with red heads. There was something about red hair that never failed to excite her. In fact, whenever she saw a man with red hair, she would get an uncontrollable craving for sweet loving. Unfortunately, there were no red heads in the entire palace.  
  
Tanika was about to head back to her chambers when something appeared in the corner of her eye. Accompanying Hotohori were three people Tanika had never seen before. One was very tall with spiky black hair and a little white and brown cat perched on his shoulder. The second was a young man with dull blonde hair, holding a wooden flute. Tanika paid no attention to them, mostly because her eyes were glued on the third person. He wore a long black coat with a tessen strapped to his back. More importantly, he had the reddest hair Tanika had ever seen! Tanika could feel her feminine hormones kick into overdrive. All reason left her mind. The only thing she could think of was jumping on top of that red head and having the wildest night of both their lives.  
  
"Yes!" she proclaimed out loud to no one in particular. "I swear by the holy power of Suzaku that I will get that man and screw him silly every day…twice on Sundays!"  
  
* * *  
  
"Oi, Nuriko! Have you noticed that lady?"  
  
"Which lady?"  
  
"The one that keeps staring at me."  
  
Nuriko glanced beyond Tasuki's shoulder. Sure enough, there was a young woman peeking out from behind one of the columns in the dining room.  
  
"Oh her. Yeah, I've seen her before. She's a member of the harem. I think her name is…Tanika. Oh yeah, now I remember. She's got this obsessive sex drive when it comes to red heads."  
  
Tasuki gulped. "I'm in deep shit aren't I?"  
  
Nuriko smiled and nodded. "Yep!"  
  
* * *  
  
As Tasuki made his way to the room Hotohori had given him, he had the feeling that someone was following him. Without warning, he swung his fist out behind him and connected with something…or somebody. Tasuki stopped when a stunned young woman collapsed at his feet.  
  
"Oh shit! Sorry, I didn't mean to slug you jo-chan. You ok?"  
  
The lady suddenly reached up and grabbed Tasuki's shirt, yanking him down to the floor with her.  
  
"Not only are you mad hot, but you're sensitive too," she purred into his ear.  
  
Tasuki's eyes widened when he realized one of her hands was wrapped around his fingers and the other was trying to take his shirt off.  
  
"Whoa! Hold on!" Tasuki yelped. "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"  
  
"What does it look like I'm doing, Tasuki-chan?" Tanika smiled coyly.  
  
"I think you're trying to fucking rape me!" Tasuki screeched as he tried to wriggle out of Tanika's grip and get back on his feet.  
  
Unfortunately, Tanika's death grip on his legs caused Tasuki to fall flat on his face. "Of coarse, koibito," Tanika snuggled closer to him. "It wouldn't be as much fun the honest way."  
  
Tasuki, wide eyed with fear, took a deep breath before yelling at the top of his lungs. "HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!"  
  
In her surprise, Tanika accidentally let go of Tasuki. Taking full advantage of the situation, Tasuki leapt to his feet and bolted for his room.  
  
Tanika watched him run away from her position on the floor with a very naughty smirk on her face. "Run all you want, Tasuki-chan. No red head has ever escaped the clutches of Lady Tanika.  
  
* * *  
  
Later that night, Tasuki was thoroughly enjoying sleeping in the palace. The beds were not only huge, but also just the right firmness. Unfortunately, the rustling of fabric against his face interrupted his comfortable sleep. Tasuki's eyes snapped open when he felt somebody's lips against his neck. Straddled over him was Tanika in what had to be the most scandalous nightgown ever created by any man or god.  
  
At that moment, all Tasuki wanted to do was scream and run away. Unfortunately, Tanika had made sure that he could do neither. Both of Tasuki's wrists were securely tied to the bedposts and his mouth was gagged with a piece of silk. Tasuki suddenly realized that he was also shirtless at that moment. Tanika seemed to realize this too, considering how her hands were all over his chest.  
  
Tasuki could feel his face redden. This was definitely not how he expected a harem woman to act. *K'sou! Where did Hotohori find this one?* Tanika leaned over and began to play sensually with Tasuki's fiery hair at that point.  
  
"Such beautiful hair," she purred. "Red hair just excites me so much."  
  
*Please!* Tasuki's mind screamed. *Can't anybody hear me? Nuriko, Chichiri, somebody help me!*  
  
At that moment, the door to Tasuki's room opened up and Nuriko stepped in. The purple haired seishi stared blankly at the two people on the bed. He stifled a laugh as he watched a bound and gagged Tasuki trying to escape from under Tanika.  
  
"I can see you're busy right now, Tasuki. I'll come back later," Nuriko turned to leave.  
  
Tasuki was finally able to spit out his silk gag. "Matte! Save me Nuriko! I'm too young for this!"  
  
Nuriko gave Tasuki a sly smile. "What are you talking about? Didn't you tell me that Kouji took you to a brothel when you first joined the bandits?"  
  
"You're a bandit?" Tanika gasped. "Good. I like it rough."  
  
"Aaarg! Nurikooooo!"  
  
"Fine, Fine, Tasuki. I'll help you out just this once."  
  
Nuriko walked over to the bed, slung Tanika over his shoulder and deposited her outside. After making sure the door was locked, Nuriko proceeded to untie Tasuki.  
  
"What did I tell you?" he berated the blushing seishi. "I told you that she had a wild sex drive when she saw a red head."  
  
"Yeah, but you didn't say how wild," Tasuki grumbled as he massaged his newly freed wrists. "So now what am I supposed to do? She's not gonna stop until she's screwed the fucking daylights outa me!"  
  
"Don't you want someone to 'screw the fucking daylights' out of you?"  
  
"Not her!"  
  
Nuriko shook his head. "Well, Tasuki-kun, we can't have you going insane before Suzaku is summoned. So, I guess it's up to me to save your butt."  
  
"How can you do that?"  
  
"I've learned in the harem that the only thing that will deter a woman from her target is if the target is already taken. Luckily, for you, only Miaka, Hotohori, and the rest of the Suzaku sichiseishi know that I'm a man. The entire harem still thinks I'm a woman."  
  
Tasuki stared at him blankly. "That's nice. So how'z that gonna save me from the psycho chick?"  
  
Nuriko promptly punched the red head into the wall. "Baka! Haven't you been listening? I'm going to pose as your girlfriend to keep Tanika away."  
  
"Nani! But you're a guy! I'm not some pervert like you!"  
  
Nuriko sighed. "Look at it this way, Tasuki-kun. Would you rather deal with me or Her?"  
  
The bandit buried his head in his pillow. "You," he mumbled.  
  
"Great!" Nuriko exclaimed brightly. "In that case, meet me in my chambers tomorrow morning to discuss our strategy." The effeminate seishi waved and skipped out the door.  
  
Tasuki sweatdropped and stared at the ceiling. "Suzaku…What the hell did I do to deserve this?"  
  
* * *  
  
The next morning, Tasuki stumbled down the hallway to Nuriko's room. His eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and his legs felt like they were walking through quicksand. So tired was Tasuki that he didn't even notice a certain member of the harem running toward him.  
  
"Tasuki-chaaaaaan!" she called. "Care to start where we left off last night?"  
  
It was at that moment that Tasuki looked up. His eyes widened in terror as he saw.  
  
Tanika rushing toward him. Tasuki tried to turn tail and run, but his legs refused to move. Suddenly, a hand shot out of nowhere and dragged Tasuki into the closest room. Tasuki crashed into somebody as the doors slammed shut behind him.  
  
"Why Tasuki-kun, I didn't know you cared."  
  
Tasuki immediately realized that the thing he crashed into was Nuriko's chest. The bandit pushed himself away with a yelp of surprise.  
  
"You hentai! What makes you think I'm like "that"!?"  
  
Nuriko giggled. "Relax, Tasuki-kun. I'm only teasing. Now, let's get down to business."  
  
From some hidden pocket in space, Nuriko pulled out a huge chart covered in rough sketches of two people in the most "interesting" positions. Tasuki sweat dropped when he saw that the chart was entitled "Positions for Hotohori and Me". Only Hotohori's name was crossed out and the word Tasuki was roughly written next to it. Nuriko suddenly appeared in a general's outfit and Tasuki realized that he was in camouflage gear with a helmet on his head.  
  
"Now then, the only way to deter the enemy from her course of action is to appear to be sexually engaged," Nuriko began to point to various drawings. "Therefore, when the enemy attempts to infiltrate you room tonight, we will be in position one. Should the enemy react in shock, move to position four. If the enemy reacts in horror, position three will be used. Anger will result in position six and heartbroken sorrow will be position two."  
  
"Ne, Nuriko, is all of this really necessary?"  
  
"This is harem politics, Private Tasuki! Without a strategy, we will be annihilated!"  
  
"Oh."  
  
Nuriko continued. "Once the initial reaction has passed, the enemy will inevitably act. In the highly unlikely event that she should leave, we will end contact. Should she enter the room, we will engage position ten. If she storms in, we will use position thirteen. Should she storm in with a desire for either of our blood, we will use position seventeen. In the event that the enemy should just stand there and watch, we will alternate between positions eleven, twelve, fourteen, fourteen B, sixteen, twenty, and nineteen until such time as I can think of a better plan."  
  
"Hold on," Tasuki interrupted. "Don't I get a say in this?"  
  
"No. Now take your shirt off."  
  
"Nani! Why should I?"  
  
Nuriko sighed. "Because you have until tonight to memorize all thirty-two positions."  
  
"Wait a minute! You only mentioned twenty!"  
  
"Um…yeah. The other twelve will be used if she decides to bring a friend."  
  
Tasuki sweatdropped and glared at the heavens again. "Suzaku, you owe me big time for this!"  
  
* * *  
  
"Tasuki, why do you look so flushed no da?" Chichiri sat next to Tasuki at the banquet table for the evening meal.  
  
Tasuki absentmindedly picked at his food. "I feel so violated," he mumbled to the older seishi.  
  
Chichiri looked over at Nuriko who was flashing a mischievous smile at Tasuki. "What did Nuriko do to you no da?"  
  
Tasuki sweatdropped. "Let's just say that I'm glad he let me keep my pants on."  
  
"I guess I shouldn't ask no da."  
  
"Arigatou."  
  
Chichiri took a bite of his dinner and chewed carefully before he spoke again. "I know about what's happening with that harem woman no da."  
  
Tasuki's face turned blue and he started to choke. Chichiri pounded the red head in the back until his face returned to a human color.  
  
Once he could breathe again, Tasuki spoke. "How'd you know that? The only person I've told was Nuriko."  
  
"Let's just say that you scream very loud no da," the monk chuckled. "I also saw her sneak into your room last night."  
  
"So why didn't you help me?"  
  
Chichiri shrugged. "I haven't known you for very long, so I didn't know if you had invited her to your room or not no da. If you had, I didn't want to intrude no da."  
  
"Gee thanks. Ya got any advice on what I should do?"  
  
Chichiri thought for a moment. "Actually, I do no da. Miaka and I have made plans to travel to Kutou and rescue Tamahome later tonight no da. We may need an extra person to help us no da. Are you interested in coming along?"  
  
"Let me think. If I go with you, I can waltz into enemy territory and get myself killed. If I stay here, I can choose to deal with the sexual tendencies of Tanika or Nuriko. Hell yeah! I'm going with you!"  
  
"There may be one little problem no da. I've already told the others that no one else should come with Miaka and me no da. It would be difficult for me to conceal more ki than necessary no da. If you can convince Miaka to let you come, I'll find a way to hide your ki as well."  
  
"No problem! I know exactly how to convince her."  
  
* * *  
  
Tasuki scrambled back to his room after his conversation with Chichiri. All he needed to do now was grab his tessen and get to the throne room without being spotted by Nuriko or Tanika. As he picked up the tessen from his bed, Tasuki couldn't help but feel a deep sense of gratitude for Chichiri. Though he had just met the older seishi yesterday, Tasuki couldn't help feeling a strong friendship growing between them. While Tasuki was deep in thought over his new friend, he failed to see his own personal stalker standing right in the way.  
  
"Wanna come to my room, koibito?" she playfully slid a hand under his shirt. "I've got a new way to play."  
  
"Fuck!" Tasuki shouted and ran for dear life.  
  
"Tasuki-kun!" Nuriko grabbed the bandit as he ran past. "Is she after you? Come on, let's get into position one!"  
  
Before Tasuki could protest, he found himself on Nuriko's bed with the purple haired seishi kissing him. Nuriko hopped on top of him and tangled their legs together with waaaaaay too much enthusiasm.  
  
"Yamatte!" Tasuki yelled as he pulled his head away. "I don't wanna do this!"  
  
Nuriko got off of him and sat on the bed. "Oh. Well why didn't you say so? If you'd told me you didn't like the plan from the beginning, then I wouldn't have had to waste my time teaching you all of the positions. And I even ruined my 'Positions for Hotohori and Me' chart because of it. Why didn't you say anything?"  
  
"Like you gave me a chance to voice my opinion!?"  
  
"In that case," Nuriko dragged Tasuki out the door. "We'll figure out a new plan after we see Miaka and Chichiri off."  
  
As the two of them passed the kitchens, Tasuki grabbed a nikuman and shoved it in his jacket pocket. After all, Suzaku no Miko could never resist a little bribery when food was involved.  
  
"Taaaaaasukiiiiiiii!" Tasuki's entire body froze as the sound of Tanika's voice echoed throughout the palace.  
  
"Run for it!" The bandit screamed.  
  
This time, Tasuki was dragging Nuriko away. Both of them reached the throne room, where Miaka and Chichiri were preparing to leave for Kutou, in record time. Chichiri was discouraging Miaka from letting anyone else come along. * What a hypocrite*, Tasuki mused silently. The red headed seishi then pulled the meat pastry out of his pocket and easily "convinced" Miaka and Chichiri to let him come along.  
  
As Miaka said her good-byes, Tasuki could see Tanika running toward the throne room. "I owe you one, buddy," he whispered to Chichiri.  
  
The monk nodded and touched his staff to his kesa. The kesa glowed bright white and the three of them began to sink in. As he disappeared into the light, Tasuki could see Tanika watching him. Her expression was a mixture of lust and disappointment.  
  
Tasuki snickered internally.* So long, Tanika. I'm going to a place where you can't follow. Heh, the worst off I could be in Kutou is dead. Wait a minute! What the hell was I thinking!? Chichiri, I take back all the nice things I said about you earlier! You a-hou! When this is over, remind me to strangle you with your own fucking kesa!*  
  
But, it was too late. Tasuki disappeared into the kesa en route to Kutou.  
  
  
  
A/N: What do you think so far? Should I post the other parts of the story? Review and give me some feedback. Constructive criticism is welcome, but flames will be used to burn my Zoology lab book and notebook. 


	2. Return of the Sister From Hell

Disclaimer: Still don't own them. -_-()  
  
Author's Notes: Here in contains a very silly chapter. View at your own risk. If you suffer from any medical problems due to laughter, find yourself a nice romance or drama fic. Thank you. This takes place after the Tasuki/Tamahome battle in episode 20. This is basically what would happen if someone from Tasuki's past decides to visit while he's injured in episode 21. Rated R because Tasuki and his visitor have such a large vocabulary  
  
1 Thinking in * *  
  
2 Tasuki's Harem Trouble Part 2: Return of the Sister From Hell  
  
  
  
Tasuki winced in pain as Mitsukake wrapped another bandage around his broken arm. The bandit was completely wrapped up in bandages after he arrived back from Kutou. Tamahome really did a number on him from their battle earlier that night. In the distance, he could hear Chiriko's flute playing. No doubt the young musician was trying to cheer Miaka up. Suzaku knew she needed it after Tamahome, her true love, brutally attacked her.  
  
"That should do it for now," Mitsukake said as he tied off the last bandage. "Once my powers return, I will be able to heal you."  
  
Tasuki nodded, painful as it was. The giant healer had already used his powers to heal Miaka's broken arm. Though he was in much worse condition than the miko, Tasuki agreed to let her be healed first. After all that happened earlier, she didn't need any physical pain on top of the emotional trauma she was already going through.  
  
Tama-neko hopped onto Mitsukake's shoulder as the healer put away his medicinal herbs and bandages. The healer was about to leave so that Tasuki could rest when the door opened and slammed into Mitsukake's face. Nuriko stepped in with that silly grin plastered all over his face.  
  
"How're you feeling Tasuki-kun?"  
  
Tasuki turned his head toward Nuriko, despite the pounding headache that the tiny motion gave him. "Let's just say I've been better. Suzaku, I only hope that Tanika lady doesn't find out about this. If she tries to rape me again, I won't be able to fight back."  
  
Nuriko's grin, by some remarkable feat, broadened. "You're in luck. Tanika's gone."  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"Yeah! She heard that there was a red headed lord in Kutou and took off."  
  
Tasuki chuckled lightly. "I guess Hotohori's gonna have one less admirer now."  
  
"That'll be the day," Nuriko chuckled in response. "Actually, Hotohori- sama's advisors found a replacement for Tanika the moment she left. You might like this one. She looks and even acts like you."  
  
Tasuki managed a smile. "You're kidding, right? How could there be another person as charming as me?"  
  
The door suddenly flung open, smacking Mitsukake in the face again, and a cross-looking woman with hair identical in color to Tasuki's stormed in. Tasuki took one look at her and facevaulted. Of all the women in Konan, why did SHE have to be chosen for the harem?  
  
The woman sauntered over to Tasuki's bed and looked at him with mock concern.  
  
"Awwwww! Did my baby bwoder get a boo-boo?"  
  
Tasuki cringed. "Um…hi Aidou…"  
  
Without warning, Aidou began to pummel Tasuki in the face. "Kou Shun'u, you little shit! I can't believe you just ran away from home like that! It's been two years and you never wrote once! Not that I expect a brain dead a- hou like you to ever learn how to write! You could've at least said something about being a Suzaku seishi, but nooo! You think you're sooo high and mighty, but you are just a worthless, good-for-nothing, little  
  
shit!!"  
  
Aidou stopped briefly to catch her breath. Taking full advantage of the pause, Nuriko's hand shot out. "Hi, I'm Nuriko."  
  
Aidou's personality suddenly did a 180º flip. "I'm Aidou. It's a pleasure to meet you, Nuriko," She smacked Tasuki in the head again. "Shun'u aren't you going to tell them about me?"  
  
Tasuki, now bloodier than ever, sweatdropped. "Aidou's one of my older sisters. She's a psychotic-"  
  
Aidou immediately started punching Tasuki again. "What the hell are you talking about?! How dare you call me psychotic! You little shit! You're nothing more than an a-hou who just happened to get lucky! If it weren't for all this Suzaku shit you'd be just another worthless pile of human flesh that could never amount to anything! Kisama! You couldn't even find yourself a damn wife if you tried!"  
  
In the background, Nuriko looked at Aidou with starry eyes. "There's nothing more beautiful than the love between a brother and sister."  
  
Mitsukake just sweatdropped and reached for the bandages again.  
  
* * *  
  
The sun shone brightly down on Tasuki as he painfully hobbled out of his room. The bandit paid no attention to the warm light through. He was too busy plotting ways to get rid of Aidou. There had to be a way to get her booted out of the palace before her fists of fury killed him. Tasuki winced involuntarily as he painfully remembered all of the things she had done to him as a kid. He would be innocently chopping wood or filling the water jug when Aidou would pop out of nowhere and chuck logs at his head. Other times he would be preparing to eat when Aidou would appear and steal all of his food. Now that he thought about it, all five of his older sisters did that to him…but Aidou was definitely the worst.  
  
"Shun'u you a-hou!" Aidou was storming down the walkway toward him.  
  
"Speak of the devil," Tasuki grumbled and tried to limp away.  
  
Aidou grabbed his robe and slammed Tasuki into a sitting position on the floor. Despite Tasuki's cry of pain as he hit the ground, Aidou proceeded to scream into her little brother's face.  
  
"What the Hell are you doing out of bed?! You are such a bull headed baka! You probably don't even realize how injured you are! How the hell are you supposed to help save Konan if you can't even take care of yourself?!"  
  
"Is that sisterly concern I hear?" Tasuki paled when he realized he'd said that out loud.  
  
Fire blazed in Aidou's eyes. "Did you just talk back to me?"  
  
"No no! I didn't say anything!" Tasuki shook his head madly and tried to scurry away.  
  
It didn't work. "Don't even think of running away, Shun'u! I don't like it when people talk back to me! Do you want to know what I do to people who talk back to me?"  
  
"Ano…" a timid voice piped up behind Aidou.  
  
Aidou whirled around in surprise. Standing on the walkway, flute in hand, was Chiriko. The blonde seishi stared at Aidou with an absolutely clueless face. Aidou smiled sweetly at Chiriko.  
  
"Can I help you?"  
  
Chiriko looked even more puzzled. "I was just coming to see how Tasuki was doing. Are you really his sister?"  
  
Aidou frowned. "Yeah, lucky me."  
  
"Then why are you yelling at him? Out of all the people here, you should be the one who's most concerned about his health."  
  
Her eye twitched and her voice lowered into a growl. "Look, flutey-boy, I'll handle Shun'u the way I want to and you can handle him the way you want to. Got it?"  
  
Chiriko nodded and watched as Aidou walked away. The youngest seishi sighed and pulled Tasuki back onto his feet. The red head leaned heavily on Chiriko as he staggered back to his room. Tasuki laid back down on his bed and sighed heavily. Chiriko watched him for a while until he couldn't stand it anymore. He had to ask.  
  
"Shun'u?"  
  
Tasuki groaned. "It's my real name. I hate it. It sounds like someone sneezing. Aidou doesn't respect me enough to call me by my seishi name. Hell, she doesn't give a flying rat's ass about respect, period."  
  
Chiriko nodded and picked up his flute. "Would you like me to play a song for you, Shun'u?"  
  
Chiriko's answer was a whack on the head from the tessen that magically appeared in Tasuki's hand.  
  
* * *  
  
"And then there was this one time when Shun'u was three and he tried to use this giant axe to chop wood. But it was too big for him to handle. So, when he tried to pick it up, he fell backwards and ended up chapping a leg off of his bed! Our mom was so mad at him that she made him cut up these huge logs with a little dull butter knife!"  
  
Tasuki growled. From his position on the walkway, he could hear Aidou telling embarrassing stories about him to the other seishi in the nearby garden. Everyone was laughing, including Mitsukake and Hotohori. Tasuki balled his hands into fists and began to feebly punch the banister. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that he was hitting the banister with his broken arm until a sharp jolt of pain shot through his body. Tasuki yelped and began to dance around the walkway in pain. That was when he realized that he was also hopping on his broken leg. Tasuki yelped again and crashed to the floor.  
  
That was when he noticed a couple of fist sized rocks lying near his head. And Aidou was within firing range! Tasuki grinned wickedly and picked up the first rock. The bandit struggled back to his feet and leaned against the banister. He pulled back his arm and was about to throw when Chichiri suddenly popped up behind him.  
  
"Watcha doing no da?"  
  
"Aaaack!" In his surprise, Tasuki let the rock fly and completely missed Aidou. Instead, the rock smacked into a tree, causing the branches to bend back and then snap forward. The rock came flying back and smacked into a new target, Tasuki's bandaged head.  
  
Chichiri leaned over Tasuki. "Tasuki-kun, how many fingers am I holding up no da?"  
  
Chibi Suzaku's were fluttering around Tasuki's head. "Um…eighty-three?"  
  
"Close enough. Let's get you back to bed no da. I'll go get Mitsukake no da."  
  
"But Mommy, I'm too old to breast feed."  
  
* * *  
  
Later on, Aidou was telling Chiriko and Mitsukake more embarrassing stories about Tasuki's childhood.  
  
"So anyway, we all walked into the house and saw all these animals inside. You wouldn't believe what was there; cats, dogs, birds, sheep, chickens, cows, a horse, and even a deer! And little ten-year-old Shun'u is sitting on the floor with a kitten in his lap. He looks up at Mom with these puppy dog eyes and says 'they followed me home. Can I keep them?'."  
  
Tasuki resisted the urge to roast Chiriko and Mitsukake when he heard them howling with laughter. No, his mission was to get rid of his sister from Hell. Grunting, he hefted a heavy log onto his back and almost fell over. Of course, having several broken bones and no reserve strength didn't help. Staggering under the log's substantial weight, Tasuki edged closer to Aidou.  
  
"You've been throwing logs at my head for years, nee-san. Now it's your turn to suffer. Heh, turnabout's fair play."  
  
"Hey there, Tasuki-kun! Feeling better?"  
  
Nuriko had suddenly appeared and slapped Tasuki on the back. Tasuki lost his grip on the log as he flew forward. The log crashed down as well, on top of Tasuki.  
  
"Whoops! Sorry, Tasuki-kun! I guess I still don't know my own strength. I guess I'll go now. Ja!"  
  
* * *  
  
When Tasuki woke up, he was back in bed. Outside, rain came pouring down on the palace grounds. Thunder rumbled in the distance. Mitsukake was putting away his bandages once again. The other seishi, minus Hotohori and of course Tamahome, were sitting around his room. Tasuki groaned and opened his eyes.  
  
"Are you awake?" the healer asked.  
  
"Tasuki nodded. "I feel like shit."  
  
"I wouldn't be surprised," Nuriko chuckled. "That log rebroke your bones. You had a complete relapse."  
  
It was then that Tasuki noticed he was almost completely mummified in gauze and bandages.  
  
"What were you doing with that heavy log anyway no da?" Chichiri asked.  
  
"Yeah, Tasuki," Nuriko smirked. "I'm the only one around here who's supposed to do all the heavy lifting."  
  
Tasuki groaned again and closed his eyes. "I've gotta get rid of Aidou. She's making my life even more hellish then when I was a kid. She's one of the reasons why I left home and joined the bandits in the first place. I was just fuck'n sick of having her beat me up and tease me and treat me like a little baby. And now she's here and making my life miserable again."  
  
"Tasuki?" Nuriko sat down on the bed.  
  
"Hai?"  
  
"If you start blubbering, I'm going to smash your face in."  
  
"Mitsukake, where's my tessen!?"  
  
Chichiri reached over and whapped Tasuki on the head. "You're not strong enough to use your tessen now no da."  
  
"Oh, but I'm strong enough to get pounded, huh?"  
  
"Tasuki, you need to rest," Mitsukake chided the bandit gently.  
  
Tasuki sighed. "So, did I miss anything while I was out?"  
  
While everyone else sweatdropped, Chichiri informed Tasuki. "Oh, you didn't miss much no da. Miaka only tried to kill herself by drowning in one of the ponds no da. And then Hotohori-sama jumped in to save her no da. And nothing much happened after that aside from the fact that Suzaku's power surged through him and he flew out of the water with Miaka in his arms no da. Other than that, nothing's happened no da."  
  
Tasuki sweatdropped. "Just how many days was I unconscious!?"  
  
"Actually," Mitsukake smiled. "You've only been out of it for an hour. You've had a busy day."  
  
"Day? Was it just this morning that I got crushed by that log? Geeze, that means that Aidou's been here for at least two days. I don't think I can take this much longer."  
  
"But, Aidou just arrived this morning," Chiriko smiled. "You've been drifting in and out of consciousness all afternoon, Tasuki. That's why you feel like time has passed so quickly."  
  
Tasuki groaned yet again. "That mean's Aidou's only been here for a day! I can't take it, guys. I've gotta get rid of her before I go absolutely insane!"  
  
Nuriko giggled. "You've been having a lot of trouble with women lately, huh Tasuki? First Tanika gets the hots for you and tries to rape you, then I try to help you by pretending to be your girlfriend, then you almost got yourself killed to protect Miaka, and now your sister is here."  
  
"Hai," Tasuki nodded weakly. "They're nothing but a-wait a minute! You're not a woman!"  
  
"He hasn't noticed that before?" Chiriko whispered to Mitsukake. The healer snickered.  
  
"I heard that."  
  
The door suddenly flung open, letting the rain pour into the rain and getting everyone soaked. Aidou stood in the doorway with her red hair plastered against her face from the rain. Tasuki tensed up and tried to bury himself under his sheets. Aidou walked over to her brother with a mock pout on her face.  
  
"Did my widdle baby bwoder get anoder boo-boo? Aaaaawwww! Poor poor widdle Shun'u."  
  
Tasuki bit his lip. *Don't say anything! You know what happens when you talk back to her! Don't do it Shun'u! Kisama!!!!!! Now she's got me calling myself by that damn name!*  
  
Aidou smirked as she watched her little brother try to keep his big mouth shut for once. Behind her, Nuriko kept mouthing 'be a man!' to Tasuki. The bandit looked skeptical at first, but finally took a deep breath.  
  
"I'm not a baby anymore," his mumble was barely audible. The other seishi fell over.  
  
On the other hand, Aidou looked like she was about to explode.  
  
"You little shit!" She screamed as she pounded Tasuki into a bloody pulp. "How dare you speak like that too me! If it wasn't for this damn seishi business, I'd kill you! On second thought, I think I'll just kill you anyway!"  
  
"Itai!" Tasuki whined like a little baby as his sister smashed her fists into his face. "Stop it! That hurts!"  
  
Chichiri and Nuriko exchanged surprised looks. "This is one side of Tasuki that I've never seen before no da."  
  
"Yeah, who'd have thought he could squirm like a little girl? I like it!"  
  
Aidou continued to pummel her brother. "You think that because you're a boy, you can just say what you want! Well, I've got news for ya, mister! Nobody gets a woman pissed off! You know why? Because we can kick back as hard as we damn well please a-hou!" She suddenly stopped and turned to the other seishi in the room. "By the way, your buddy Tamahome is in the palace courtyard right now, trying to assassinate Suzaku no Miko." She returned her attention to killing Tasuki. "And further more, shit head, you know for a fact that I can kick your ass any day of the week!"  
  
Chichiri jumped up. "We've got to stop him from getting to Miaka no da!"  
  
The others nodded in agreement and raced out of Tasuki's room. The bandit sweatdropped as he watched them go from beneath Aidou's fists of fury.  
  
"What about me?" he whimpered.  
  
Aidou grabbed the collar of Tasuki's robe and pulled him up so that they were face to face. "Look, Shun'u," she hissed. "Go help your precious miko. We'll finish this later."  
  
"Huh?" The look on Tasuki's face was beyond clueless.  
  
"You heard me. My domination over your eternal soul comes second only to the future of Konan. Get the hell out of here."  
  
Tasuki nodded shakily and grabbed the crutch Mitsukake had given him. He slowly hobbled away, but paused at the door. Something was bothering him. He turned around to look at Aidou.  
  
"Since when did you want to dominate my eternal soul? I thought you just liked to beat the shit outta me."  
  
Aidou shrugged. "I don't know. When I was asked to join the harem, I decided to give myself a little project."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Don't worry, Shun'u," she winked. "I'm gonna be hanging around here for a loooooong time."  
  
Tasuki shuddered. "Suzaku help me."  
  
Aidou just smirked. 


	3. Cross Dressing and Cute Monks

Disclaimer:  Once again, I don't own FY or it's characters.  I do, however, own the bizarre ideas that resulted in this fic.  

Author's Notes: I will warn all of you that there is some shonen-ai in this chapter, but that is just to make everything even funnier.  I believe that Tasuki and Chichiri are straight, so there is a logical reason why they become a (sort of) couple.  Well…maybe not that logical.  This takes place in episode 23.  Tamahome is back and the ceremony to summon Suzaku hasn't occurred just yet.  Be warned because Tasuki in a dress is pretty scary.

Today's plot:  Coincidence and randomness make the world go 'round.

Thinking in * *

Tasuki's Harem Trouble Part 3: Cross Dressing and Cute Monks 

*Life is good* Tasuki smiled as he threw on his jacket.  After two days, Mitsukake had finally been able to heal the bandit's battle wounds.  Tasuki made a mental note to flame Tamahome for getting run through by Hotohori's sword and making him wait even longer to be healed by Mitsukake.  *Among other things* He mentally growled.

Tasuki took a deep breath as he stepped onto the walkway outside of his room.  It felt good to be out in the fresh air again.  The rain had finally stopped and the noontide sun was shining brightly down on the palace.  *There's nothing that could ruin this moment.* He mused silently as he drank in the sun's warmth.

"Shun'u, what the hell do you think you're doing!?"

Tasuki's eyes widened in fear.  *K'sou!  I forgot about her!  Wait a sec., I'm healed now.  That means I can run away before she gets a chance to pummel me into oblivion!*  

And so Tasuki bolted down the walkway, leaving Aidou to wonder what the hell just happened.

As Tasuki ran, he closed his eyes and smiled.  He'd been injured for so long that he had almost forgotten how wonderful it felt to have the wind in his hair as he zipped through the walkways and corridors of the palace. In his happiness to escape Aidou and run again, Tasuki completely forgot to pay attention to where he was going.  If he had been paying attention, he might have noticed Tamahome standing in his way.  Unfortunately, Tasuki didn't notice him, and the two became involved in a very messy head long crash.

"Watch where you're going a-hou!" Tamahome yelled as he crawled out from under Tasuki.

"Well you should've gotten out of my way!" Tasuki yelled back.

"Why should I get out of your way?  You should've gotten out of my way!"

"The world doesn't revolve around you!"

"You should talk!"

What followed this lovely conversation was the loudest brawl to ever occur in Konan.  The shouts of both combatants could be heard echoing off the mountains of Hokkan in the north.  In the midst of this brawl, Tasuki failed to see Aidou running at him with a very big log held above her head.

"Shun'u!  Don't you dare run away when I'm about to scream in you face!"

"K'sou!"  Tasuki shouted when he heard Aidou's yelling.  In that brief moment of distraction, Tamahome landed a solid blow to Tasuki's jaw.  The bandit staggered back and tripped over Tama-neko, who just happened to be passing by at that exact moment.  He fell over backwards and into a randomly placed laundry chute.  He fell downwards for what felt like an eternity until he crashed into a random pile of laundry.  Tasuki shook his head and jumped to his feet.

"Ha ha!  No one can best the invincible Gen-chan!  I'm the-what the HELL am I wearing!?"

As a result of falling into a pile of dirty laundry, Tasuki had magically ended up in a random lady's dress, complete with matching shoes and earrings.  What was even stranger about this situation was that his male clothing and tessen had mysteriously vanished.  He was even wearing women's underwear!  Tasuki attempted to wade his way out of the sea of discarded garments.  Unfortunately, a random sash became "tangled" around his ankle.  Tasuki cursed wildly as he tripped and fell forward.  His head slammed into the ground, knocking him out instantly.

As Tasuki lay unconscious, a random little servant girl came skipping along.  She took one look at Tasuki and smiled cutely.

"I'm gonna make you pretty!"

She randomly pulled a giant box out of thin air and got to work. Lipstick, blush, eye shadow, and various other cosmetics appeared in her hands and were applied to the red head's face.  Next, the little girl moved on to his flaming red hair.  She doused his hair with styling gel and tied it up in a tight bun with a jeweled headpiece.  As a final touch, she pulled a random navy colored flower out of her box and stuck it behind his ear.

"There," she grinned. "All pretty now!"

And so, with her mission completed, she skipped away while whistling "I Feel Pretty".

As soon as she was gone, Tasuki magically woke up.  Groaning, he peeled himself off of the floor and dusted off his dress.     

"What happened?  The last thing I remember was…nothing.  Where am I?  More importantly, who am I?"

At that moment, a random mirror popped out in front of Tasuki.  He took a good long look at his painted face and feminine garments.

"Well, from the looks of it, I'm some kind of court lady.  So where the hell am I?"

He (…she…whatever) wandered around the underground laundry room for a few minutes before he (…she…whatever) came across a random door.  Tentatively, he (…she…whatever) pushed it open and stepped into the sunlight…and into the middle of a courtyard full of harem women.  Tasuki blushed, though he (…she…whatever) wasn't quite sure why.  All of them were giggling and speaking in hushed whispers.  One of them with hair the same color as his (…hers…whatever) was eyeing him (her… whatever) suspiciously.  Her icy stare made him (her…whatever) shudder involuntarily.  

*From what I'm wearing, I'd say that I'm a member of the imperial harem.  Funny, it doesn't feel right, but I guess it's true.  K'sou, I don't even remember what a harem woman is s'posed to do.  I must have hit my head harder than I thought.*

"It's too bad that Heika-sama is so infatuated with Suzaku no Miko.  Now it looks like we don't have a chance."

Tasuki's ears perked up at the conversation two of the harem ladies were having.

"Hai, that's why we all decided to get boyfriends for ourselves."

"I agree.  From what I hear, all of the Suzaku sichiseishi, with the exception of Heika-sama and Tamahome, don't have a woman to drool over."

"We should try and grab one for ourselves before the other ladies take them."

*Oh, I see.  All of the other harem women want to get a seishi for themselves.  In that case, I'd better beat them to the punch.*

Tasuki gathered up his (hers…whatever) skirts and hurried away, not knowing that a certain red headed woman was watching him (her…whatever) closely.  

*          *          *

Tasuki peeked out from behind a randomly placed lush shrubbery, his (her… whatever) hiding spot for the past ten minutes.  Suzaku no Miko had her ear pressed against the door to Hotohori's private office.  The seishis Mitsukake and Chiriko were quietly talking nearby.  Tasuki looked over the two seishi carefully before shaking his (her…whatever) head.  Nah.  *They're not my types.*

The door to Hotohori's office suddenly opened, causing the miko to tumble inside.  Chichiri stepped out and used his magic to close the door behind him.  Tasuki blushed as he (she…whatever) watched the monk walk away.  *That's gotta be the damn cutest monk I've ever seen!  He'll do.*

*          *          *

Chichiri hummed to himself as he walked along the bank of one of the palace ponds.  He stopped when a flash of red caught his eye.  He spun around and saw a beautiful red headed woman in a stunning dress.  Chichiri was at a loss for words.

"H-hello no da.  I haven't seen you before."

Tasuki reddened. "I'm new to the harem…I think.  I-I couldn't help but notice how damn sexy you look!"

Tasuki blushed furiously. That was NOT how he wanted that to come out.  *Damn female hormones!* 

 Chichiri stared at him (her…whatever) with a blush showing on his mask. That was NOT what he expected to hear.  *Damn mask isn't helping no da!*

What followed was a very uncomfortable silence.  Chichiri finally cleared his throat and spoke up after a few minutes. "Ano…thank you for the…um…compliment… no da."

"Gomen," Tasuki's face was now the same color as his (her…whatever) hair. "I didn't mean to say it that way."

Chichiri smiled shyly. "Daijoubu.  Would you…would you like to go for a walk no da?"

Tasuki gulped.  Something about this didn't feel right.  It's true that Chichiri was good looking, but why wasn't he (she…whatever) getting all hot and heavy?  Why wasn't his (her…whatever) heart fluttering?  Oh well, he (she…whatever) had to get a boyfriend before the other harem women got to the cute monk.

Chichiri held out his hand, which Tasuki, blushing even more by some miracle, nervously took.  The two of them proceeded to walk around the pond, hand in hand.  As they walked, both of them began to have very interesting inner monologues.

Chichiri was debating his feelings for this ravishing dream lady.  *I've never seen a woman this beautiful since I was a teenager.  She almost reminds me of…no.  Don't go there.  It's all in the past now.  This woman is completely stunning.  Too bad she's got a mouth like Tasuki.  Speaking of which, where is Tasuki?  I haven't seen him all day.  He'd probably chew me out for flirting with this woman even though I'm a monk.  Still, she is gorgeous.  But, why does her ki signature feel so familiar?  I must really be in love if I can't focus enough to sense ki properly.* 

Meanwhile, Tasuki's monologue was very *ahem* different.  K'sou, this underwear is really chafing.  None of the other women complain about it.  So why does it bother me?  And these shoes are killing my feet!  I like this guy, but I don't love him.  Oh well, a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.  Why did that sound just plain wrong?  K'sou!  I keep tripping over these damn skirts.  All I want to do now is change into some pants.  Too bad women aren't allowed to wear pants.  Guys are so lucky.

"You're beautiful no da."

"Huh?" Tasuki hadn't even realized that Chichiri was speaking to him (her… whatever). 

"Oh, arigatou."  

They walked on in silence.  Tasuki fumbled about in his (her…whatever) skirt.  Chichiri chuckled lightly as he watched him (her…whatever) tripping on the long fabric.  

"Do you need any help no da?"

"No, no.  I'm fi-ACK!"

At that moment, Tasuki slipped on a random stone and fell over.  His (her… whatever) head smacked against the ground and the red head fell into the pond.  Tasuki's eyes snapped open when he felt the water surround his body.  He struggled to the surface and began to thrash about while yelling at the top of his lungs.

"Help!  I can't fucking swim!"

Chichiri watched in shock as his dream woman surfaced and started cursing madly.  The water had washed away her makeup and taken her hair out of it's gorgeous style.  Chichiri sweatdropped when he realized just who his lovely harem woman really was.

"Tasuki-kun?!"

The monk threw his kesa aside and dove into the pond.  He paddled back to the bank with a very wet Tasuki in tow.  Chichiri hauled his half-drowned friend onto dry land and waited for the red head to catch his breath.  Once Tasuki began to breathe normally again, Chichiri punched him in the jaw with strength very uncommon for a peaceful monk.

"What the hell were you trying to pull no da?!!!!!!!!"

It was then that Tasuki realized he was in a dress. "What the fuck am I doing in a dress?"

Chichiri's face was nearly purple with rage. "What you were doing was flirting with me no da!!!!"

Tasuki had the cutest blank expression on his face. "I was?  Gomen, Chichiri.  I don't remember anything after Tamahome shoved me down that laundry shoot."

"How dare you!" Chichiri yelled. "How dare you toy with my feelings like that no da!  I thought I had found the perfect woman no da!  But it turns out that it was just you playing me for a fool no da!"

The monk was practically in tears.  Tasuki fiddled with his soggy dress.  He had no idea what had just happened or how he ended up in the pond wearing a dress.  From the looks of it, though, he must have done something stupid enough to piss Chichiri off.

Chichiri finally calmed down enough speak coherently again. "How did you get into that dress in the first place no da?" he grumbled.

Tasuki shrugged. "I don't know.  It could have been by some random act of divine intervention for all I know."

*          *          *

Meanwhile, on Mt. Taikyoku…

"Ha ha!  I told you it would work!" Taiitskun laughed as she did a little victory dance with the Nyan-Nyans in front of Suzaku.  The winged god sweatdropped as he watched the controller of the world shake her wrinkled booty.

Suzaku sighed. "That doesn't count!  You used your magic!"

"We never said that I couldn't use my magic, now did we," Taiitskun beamed as she waved a skeletal finger at the god. "I said that Tasuki and Chichiri could become a couple, and I proved it.  Now pay up, birdie!"

Suzaku grumbled as he pulled a large bag of gold and thrust it into the goddess' face. "I don't get it.  Tasuki is the most macho acting of my seishi.  I just can't believe that he has the potential to fall in love with another man.  The same could be said for Chichiri.  Hold on a second!  You said that it was possible for those two men to fall in love, but Chichiri thought that Tasuki was a woman.  Tasuki thought that he was a woman!  He wouldn't have started flirting with Chichiri if he hadn't lost his memories!"

Taiitskun shook her head. "You still don't understand, Suzaku.  I said that those two men could fall in love, but I never said that they needed to know that they were both men."

Suzaku sweatdropped again. "That's the last time I make a bet with you…Ne, where did that random servant girl come from?  I know that you used your magic to set up the situation, but was she part of your plan as well?"

"Hai."

"Nani!" Suzaku jumped up and smacked his head on a randomly placed lead pipe.  The god fell over unconscious.  That random little servant girl appeared again with her box and smiled at Suzaku.  

"I'm gonna make you pretty!"

Within seconds, Suzaku face was completely done up.  The little girl giggled and skipped over to Taiitskun.  She flashed the goddess a victory sign and transformed into a Nyan-Nyan. 

"Nyan-nyans," Taiitskun chuckled. "A million and one uses in a single little package.  I should probably write a quick note to Chichiri, telling him what I did.  I don't want my favorite pupil to be scarred for life just because I decided to have a little fun.  He's got enough emotional stress as it is taking care of the other seishi and Miaka."

Suzaku suddenly woke up.  He looked at the creator oddly. "You know what, Taiitskun?  I feel pretty."

*          *          *

Back in Konan…         

Tasuki threw aside the drenched pile of lady's garments with a relieved sigh.  He had no idea how he ended up in a dress, but he was glad to get it off and put some more masculine clothes back on.  Part of him still felt guilty though.  Chichiri had left him alone by the pond after exploding.  The monk seemed extremely upset.  Tasuki sighed.  He would have to find some way to make his friend feel better later.  

As Tasuki left his room, he had the feeling that he was being watched.  "Who's there?" he shouted.

"You have got to be the most fucked up person in the entire universe!" Aidou stepped out from behind a pillar. "I can't believe that my own little brother enjoys wearing women's clothing and flirting with older men!  Kisama, Shun'u!  You are completely disgusting!"

Tasuki paled. "A-Aidou, it's not what you think!  It was some kind of sick joke being played on me!  I know it!"

"So…you're not gay?"

Tasuki had to think about that one for a minute. "I don't think so…"

Aidou smiled wickedly. "In that case, I can assure you that I won't let you forget this." 

She winked devilishly and then skipped off.

Tasuki watched her go with a very nervous expression. "Oh shit."

"Tasuki-kun?"

Tasuki turned around to find Chichiri standing behind him.  The monk fidgeted nervously with the hem of his kesa, something Tasuki had never seen him do before.  Chichiri took a deep breath and began to speak slowly and in a low voice.

"Gomen, Tasuki no da.  I had no right to yell at you like that.  I know that you would never do what you did if you were acting normally no da.  I have a feeling that someone was indeed playing a sick prank on you no da," His hand clutched the scroll he had just recieved from Taiitskun in his hand a little tighter. "I shouldn't have been so harsh.  It's just that, I've never had a beautiful woman interested in me for a very long time no da."

"Chichiri, I never meant to hurt your feelings.  If I had any idea what I was doing with you earlier, I would probably be feeling really guilty right now.  Gomen." 

Chichiri nodded and turned to leave, but he stopped.  "Ano…Tasuki-kun no da?" He nervously glanced over his shoulder at Tasuki. "Can I tell you a secret no da?"

Tasuki stared back with a puzzled expression. "What's that?"

Chichiri blushed. "I think you look really cute in a dress no da."


	4. The Harem Strikes Back

Disclaimer: No, I don't own FY. They belong to Watase Yuu and all those other happy people.  On the other hand, I own the bizarre idea that spawned this fic. I also have been given temporary ownership of two friends making a cameo appearance in this chapter. (You know who you are *winks*) 

Author's notes: Here you go people, the final installment of Tasuki's Harem Trouble.  In this chapter, I have decided to use parody the most evil form of writing…self-inclusion. (dun dun duuuuuuun) If any of you, my dear readers, have written self inclusion fics, forgive me! Though I've read many wonderful self-inclusion fics, this genre was just too tempting to resist.  Keep in mind, it's all in good fun.  This takes place between episodes 25 and 26.  In other words, Chiriko is now the real Chiriko.  It fills in the gap between Chichiri's heart to heart with Miaka in the morning and the festival that night.  Beware…

Thinking in * *

Tasuki's Harem Trouble Part 4:The Harem Strikes Back

"Oi, Chichiriiiiiiiiiiii?"

Chichiri growled angrily to himself.  He couldn't seem to get a moment of peace this morning.  First, Miaka tricked him into talking about his past, and now Tasuki was making a huge racket.  This couldn't have come at a worse time either.  He was just about to land his first fish when Tasuki's voice rang out through the palace.  Now, all of the fish had scattered.  It took all of the monk's self control not to throttle the brash young man as he sat down with him at the edge of the pond.

"What'cha doin'?" Tasuki sounded like a little kid trying to distract his parents long enough to raid the cookie jar.

Chichiri was barely able to resist the temptation to shove Tasuki into the pond and watch him drown. "I WAS fishing no da."

"Oh," Tasuki replied indifferently. "Are you done now?"

"I don't have much of a choice no da," Chichiri snarled under his breath.  

Tasuki's eyes lit up. "That's great!  Now we can do something together!"

"Nani!?" Chichiri blinked in surprise.

"I'm bored," Tasuki whined.

"Can't you bother someone else no da?"

The whining increased. "No.  Nuriko dragged Miaka someplace; Suzaku knows where, Tamahome's sulking in his room, Mitsukake is researching medicinal plants, and Chiriko's too smart."

"What about Heika-sama no da?"

"He's looking at his reflection."

Chichiri thought about that for a moment. "Good point.  We probably won't see him for a few hours no da."

"And that means you're the only one left to bug."

"Lucky me no da."

A pair of puppy dog ears and a tail appeared on Tasuki as he latched onto Chichiri's arm.  *Oh perfect, now he's gone puppy on me no da.  I've got to find some way to get rid of him so I can return to fishing no da.*

"Ne, Tasuki-kun?  Could I see your new tessen no da?"

"Huh, oh sure."

Tasuki pulled out his tessen and handed it to the older seishi.  Chichiri examined it for a moment.  Taiitskun had indeed transformed it from iron to silver.  With a sly grin, Chichiri tossed it into a patch of mud.

"Whoops no da!  It just slipped out of my hands no da."

Tasuki facevaulted. "Baka!  You got it all dirty!  Do you have any idea how long it took me to polish that thing this morning?"

Chichiri just grinned innocently. "I guess now you have to clean it no da."

"Yer fuck'n right I do!  That's the last time I let you touch my tessen!"

With that, Tasuki walked away in a huff with the muddy tessen slung over his shoulder.  Chichiri watched him leave with a self-satisfied grin.  Now that the red headed pest was gone, he could get back to some nice, peaceful, _quiet, fishing.  Chichiri was about to cast his line when a pair of hands slapped over his mouth while another pair grabbed his arms.  Chichiri tried to struggle, but something solid slammed into the back of his head.  As Chichiri fell unconscious, dozens of shadowy figures dragged his body away.  _

*          *          *

"Finally, I thought those mud stains would never come out," Tasuki breathed a sigh of relief as he studied his handiwork carefully.  It had taken him nearly two hours, but he had been able to clean and polish his tessen.  

"Damn monk," He grumbled. "I can't believe he would just drop my tessen into the mud like that.  It could've been worse, though.  He could've thrown it into the pond."

Tasuki shivered at the thought as he wiped the last traces of water from his beloved weapon with a dry rag.  His eyes shimmered as he watched the tessen glisten in the sunlight.

"There, baby.  You're all clean now.  Don't worry.  Big bad Chichiri will never mess you up like that again," He cooed as he hugged the silver tessen gently.

"Ano…Tasuki-san?"

Tasuki jumped about ten feet into the air.  He spun around and proceeded to yell at (the real) Chiriko.

"Kisama, Chiriko!  I told you never to sneak up on me like that!  Don't you ever fuck'n knock!?"

The youngest seishi's eyes welled up with tears. "Tasuki-san, you're so mean to me.  I just wanted to give you something."

Tasuki felt a wave of guilt wash over him. "Gomen, Chiriko, you startled me," He knew from previous experiences that when Chiriko started crying, his wails shook the entire palace. "What did you want to give to me?"

Chiriko rubbed his nose with his sleeve and handed the older seishi a folded up piece of parchment. "One of the harem women told me to give this to you.  She was really pretty.  She had hair the same color as yours and the gentlest smile."

"It was probably my damn sister, Aidou," Tasuki groaned. "I wouldn't go so far as to call her pretty or gentle, though."

"But she was so nice," Chiriko backed away from Tasuki defensively. "She spoke very gently and gave me a nice hug when I said I would give you this letter."

Tasuki looked skeptical. "Are you sure that was my fuck'n bitch sister you talked to?"

Chiriko snatched the tessen out of Tasuki's hand and proceeded to whack him repeatedly with it. "How dare you call her a fuck'n bitch!  I hope you roast for that a-hou!"

The youngest seishi tossed aside the tessen and smiled in his kawaii little way. "Anyway, I should go now.  Enjoy the letter, Tasuki-san."

And so Chiriko walked away, leaving Tasuki behind in a bloody heap.  The bandit reached for his tessen and sweatdropped.  

"Wonderful, he smudged it.  Now I have to clean it again."

His eyes moved from the tessen to the letter Chiriko had left on the floor.  What the hell did his sister want now?  Grumbling, he unfolded the letter. 

Shun'u (AKA little shit),

We have your monk.  Unless you want us to break his monkly vows, you will submit to the harem.

PS.  We are out of soap.  Could you pick some up on the way? 

Tasuki paled. "Poor Chichiri.  Imagine the horrors he's going through being surrounded by horny harem women who would do anything for a fix.  Wait a minute, what am I saying?  I've gotta save him before they do something to him that I_ want!"_

And so, Tasuki left his room and ran to the harem wing of the palace.

*          *          *

While Tasuki was having his little "conversation" with Chiriko, Chichiri awoke to find himself bound, gagged, and surrounded by beautiful women.  He noticed that one of them had her hands around his waist and was nuzzling his back.

What's going on no da?

The young lady hugging him looked up and smiled sweetly. "Hi, I'm Author 29 .  You're a prisoner of the harem."

"Nani!  Why am I a prisoner no da?" Chichiri yelled.  Or at least he tried to yell.  The gag in his mouth made speaking a little difficult.

Another harem woman came forward.  "Relax.  We'll let you go once Tasuki gets here," Her eyes glazed over. "Mmmmm. Tasuki…"

"Earth to Author 548," 29 groaned. "Please beam your brain back."

Chichiri paled when he realized that all of the ladies present were not in dresses.  Instead, they were in pants and shirts and carried laptops under their arms. *This is worse than I thought.  They're not harem women, they're fanfic authors!*

Author 29 reached up and pulled the gag out of Chichiri's mouth. "There.  Is that better?"

"Hai, much.  Arigatou no da."

"Oooooooooh!" 29 squealed in delight. "I love it when you say 'no da'!  It's so kawaii!"

"Don't get too friendly with him, 29," a random member of the author harem called out. "Our mission is to get the other seishi."

"Huh?  I thought you said you were only trying to get Tasuki no da."

Another harem woman spoke up.  "Let me explain.  We're going to use you as bait to lure Tasuki here."

"Mmmmm.  Tasuki…" Author 548 sighed, along with several other authors.

"Then, we'll use Tasuki as bait to get Nuriko."

"Mmmmm…Nuriko…" Another group of women swooned.

 "Then we'll use Nuriko as bait to get Tamahome."

"Mmmmm…Tamahome…" Several women in the far right corner of the room purred.

"Then we'll use Tamahome as bait to get Miaka." 

At this point, all of the women present shuddered. 

"Then, we'll use Miaka as bait for Hotohori."

"Mmmmm…Hotohori …" the harem authors in the far left corner sighed.

"Tasuki…" 548 drooled.

Chichiri sweatdropped. "So, I'm just bait no da?"

29 hugged him again. "It's OK, Chichiri.  I still love you."

"So do we!" Squealed the remaining women behind Chichiri.

"Ano…why didn't you just kidnap each seishi individually?  It would save you a lot of time and trouble no da."

"We have no choice!" Another author spoke. "Hotohori never pays any attention to his harem.  Nuriko had to become a man before he noticed her-I mean him."

One more author stood up. "As for the rest of the seishi, they never bat an eye at us.  Throughout the entire series, the harem is ignored.  We authors have needs and no one ever notices."

Chichiri cringed.  *I have a really bad feeling about this no da.  I'm surrounded by seishi-obsessed fic authors.  Most of the harem authors don't worry me too much.  At least I know they're obsessed with some one else no da.  It's the Chichiri-loving authors I'm worried about.*

While Chichiri dreaded his fate at the hands of the writers, 29, 548, and their respective author friends were arguing.

"Come on, 29.  Tasuki won't submit to the harem unless we let Chichiri go."

"But he's so warm and snuggy," 29 hugged Chichiri tighter and looked up at 548 with sad puppy dog eyes. "Can I keep him?"

"No!" The other Chichiri-loving authors shouted as one. "He's ours!"

Chichiri just sweatdropped.

548 and the Tasuki-loving authors sighed in exasperation.  29 and her friends were just too persistent. 

"Well, since Tasuki won't get here for a little while, we might as well make Chichiri feel welcome."

Chichiri gave a muffled whimper as dozens of harem women authors closed in on him._  _

*          *          *

Tasuki came to a halt in front of the doors that led to the harem wing.  Three tough looking women, one of which being Aidou, were guarding the doors.

Tasuki marched up to his sister. "Where is he?" he demanded.

Aidou smiled wickedly. "Are you ready to submit to the whims of the harem?"

"Nani!?" Tasuki jumped back. "Geeze, nee-chan, I didn't know that you were interested in incest!"

Aidou socked him in the gut. "Baka!  I'm not a perverted little shit like you!  I'm just the voice of the harem.  THEY want you, not ME!"

Without thinking, Tasuki let his pride get the better of him. "So, I'm not good enough for you!" He immediately regretted it.

The veins in Aidou's forehead as fire blazed in her eyes. "You little fucking hentai!  This coming from a guy who fucks men!"

"I DO NOT FUCK MEN!" Tasuki shouted back.

"Oh really?  Then how do you explain what happened yesterday with Chichiri?  I also heard from the other harem women that you were in bed with Nuriko, studying positions!"

"Shut the hell up!  You have no idea what I've been through!"

The two other women guarding the door sweatdropped as they watched the shouting match between the two red heads.  It was painfully obvious that those two were related.

Tasuki grabbed the collar of Aidou's dress and yanked her forward. "Let me see Chichiri!" he growled. "Then I'll give the harem my answer."

Aidou began to pummel Tasuki in the face. "Get your hands off of me you incestuous pervert!"

"Hentai!" Tasuki hollered.

The other women exchanged looks and nodded.  They grabbed the still yelling Tasuki and hauled him away through the ornate double doors.

"We'll take it from here, Aidou-chan," they called to their fellow harem member.

Aidou just fumed as she watched the others drag he equally fuming little brother away.

*          *          *

The two women dumped Tasuki unceremoniously on the ground.  Tasuki winced as he rubbed his aching bottom and then looked around the room he was in.  The room was huge with windows on the roof.  The sunlight shined brightly through the windows and lit up the pale blue tiled floor.  Gold and blue columns decorated the interior.  Long sheets of transparent blue silk were strung between the columns.  Tasuki's nose also picked up the faint scent of incense being burned in a corner.  

"Do you like it?" one of the two women giggled. "This is the private lounge of the harem.  We like to sit around here and have fun."

"What kind of fun would that be?" Tasuki sweatdropped nervously.

The second lady knelt down and whispered in the bandit's ear. "All kinds of fun, Tasuki-chan."

"Really!?" Tasuki half squeaked before regaining his composure. "Where's Chichiri?  I want to see that he's all right."

"Very well," The first sighed in disappointment as she waved to another woman. "Bring out the prisoner."

A minute later, Chichiri came stumbling into the room.  His clothes were wrinkled and his shirt was comically half untucked from his belt.  His hair was rumpled and his bangs were sticking up in hilariously odd angles.  The mask he always wore had mysteriously vanished.  His cheeks were bright red, a sure sign that he was drunk, and he had a goofy smile plastered on his face.

"Chichiri!" Tasuki leapt up and grabbed the monk before he fell over. "Suzaku!  What have they done to you?  Are you all right?"

Chichiri giggled and his smile broadened. "Oh yeah, I'm having the time of my life here no da!"

"Baka!" Tasuki growled. "What are you saying?  These women aren't human I tell you!  Besides, you're a damn monk!"

"Tasuki!" Author 548 came bounding into the room and latched her arms around the bandit's neck. "I've been waiting for you!"

The other fanfic authors had to forcibly restrain the Tasuki-lovers from killing 548 and claiming the bandit for themselves.

Author 29 came in with a pout on her face. "Don't think I'm giving Chichiri up that easily."

Aidou walked in and put an arm around 29's shoulders. "Don't worry.  I was the one who told Shun'u we'd give him back, but you know I never tell him the truth."

"You bitch" Tasuki yelled.

29's eyes, along with the eyes of half the harem, lit up. "I like the way you think, Aidou."

548 squeezed her prized bandit a little tighter. "Your sister's the greatest, Tasuki.  Of course, that's because she's related to you."

"Lucky me," Tasuki grumbled as he gasped for breath.

29 hugged Chichiri again. "Hey, 548, it looks like everyone got what they wanted."

"Not everyone!" The rest of the harem shouted.  "We want our men too!"

Aidou smirked at the angry faces of the harem authors. "You know, it may take a while for the other seishi to submit to the harem.  Until they do, you could always just pretend that these two are your beloved other seishi."

"You traitorous bitch!" Tasuki roared. "I can't believe you'd sell your own little brother out like this."

Chichiri, on the other hand, was more concerned with the lustful faces looking his way.

"Ladies, you do realize that there is over one hundred of you and two of us no da."

"He's right!" 29 gasped.  "In that case, I've got dibs on Chichiri."

"I've got Tasuki!" 548 piped up.

Gasps of outrage sounded throughout the room.  In a matter of seconds, over one hundred fanfic authors were duking it out for possession of the monk and bandit.  Amidst the chaos, Chichiri managed to pry Tasuki out of 548's deathgrip and drag his fellow seishi out the door.

Once outside of the harem room, both seishi breathed a huge sigh of relief. 

"That had to be the single most frightening experience in my damn life," Tasuki groaned. "It was even worse than when Ma forced me to go into the city with her while wearing this little blue sailor suit with duckies on the collar that she made."

"I'm not even going to ask no da."

"Arigatou."

"But we're not out of danger yet no da.  Sooner or later, those authors will figure out that we disappeared.  We need to either hide or find some way of diverting their attention no da."

"Great," Tasuki grinned as he sprinted down the hall. "You divert their attention and I'll go hide."

"Traitor!" The older seishi shouted at the retreating red-head.  

It was then that Chichiri was struck with a sudden inspiration.  Snickering evilly, he chanted a spell and instantly transformed into the most adorable creature in the Shi Jin Tenshi Sho; Tama-neko.

Mere seconds after the transformation, several harem authors crashed through the doors.  They took one look at the transformed monk and squealed in delight.

"Oh my God!  It's Tama-neko!"

The brawling authors stopped immediately and squealed "Kawaii" in unison.

With a swish of his tail, Chichiri/Tama-neko trotted away from the harem room.

"Wait!" Author 29 shouted. "We just wanna cuddle you!"

The entire harem sprinted after the retreating feline.  Chichiri/Tama-neko, meanwhile, had broken into a full run and scampered toward his intended destination.  When a pair of familiar open doors came into view, Chichiri increased his pace and skidded into the room.  

Hotohori looked up from his paperwork at the site of Tama-neko running into his private study and hopping onto his desk.

"Tama?" He gave the cat a scrutinizing glare. "I though Mitsukake promised to keep an eye on you."

The feline answered the emperor of Konan by transforming into a chibi, blue-haired monk.  An evil smile spread across his mask.

"Forgive my intrusion, Heika-sama," Chichiri chuckled. "But I believe it is time that you finally saw to the needs of your royal harem no da."

Hotohori would have questioned the monk, but Chichiri chose that moment to teleport the hell out of there.  Seconds later, one hundred kitty-loving authors poured into the emperor's study.  They stared at Hotohori while the emperor merely gazed back at them with little interest.  Without warning, the Hotohori-loving authors pounced on the object of their desire.

Outside the emperor's study, Tasuki came jogging up to where Chichiri had his ear pressed to the wall.  The two seishi exchanged mischievious looks and slammed the study doors.  Using his magic, Chichiri cast an unbreakable barrier on the room's only doorway.

"Revenge is sweet," Tasuki smirked. "It's about time Hotohori got what he deserved after everything I went through with that harem."

"Indeed no da." 

"But tonight, I can finally relax without having to worry about a single woman harassing me."

"Did you forget about me, you little shit?" Aidou called from further down the hall.

"Shit!" Both Tasuki and Chichiri cried before running away in absolute terror.

The End 


End file.
